6 BOOKS ON DEATH AND GRIEF FOR KIDS
When my dad died, my son had just turned three years old. I knew that I needed to foster a safe and open space for him to talk about death, talk about his grandpa, and ask questions. But, I also wasn’t sure how or where to start in an age-appropriate way. I also knew he was going to see me grieving, and I wanted to be able to give him tools and information so he could feel comfortable being around a mom who was crying… a lot.
What I found was that the process of finding resources for Augie was also immensely helpful in sitting with, and processing, my own grief. It also normalized grief SO much for me. I’ve now watched my child become a five year old who is really comfortable talking about death. And, I’m way more comfortable with it now, too. Grief and death are inevitable parts of life, and I’m hoping that normalizing openly talking about both can spare Augie some of the shame that can sometimes come along with feeling something but not knowing how to talk about it (or if it’s ok).
The following books are ones that we read together. I’ve tried to share a bit more about why we both enjoyed them, what made them stand out, and what made them ones that resonated with Augie.
Before I jump into the book list, I also wanted to mention that I quickly realized I didn’t have the tools to talk with a kid about someone close to them dying and I turned to Google for some pointers. This was the day my dad died and we were approaching burying him and having a small get-together the next day. I wanted to be able to explain to Augie what happened and what was going to happen in the upcoming days while also giving him space to process and ask questions and take it in in a way that felt safe and supported for him. I read this article and it was really helpful in providing some basics for communicating what was happening in an age-appropriate way.
Zara’s Big Messy Goodbye, Rebekah Borucki and Gina Moffa LCSW
Augie was already a big fan of Zara, the main character (he has Zara’s Big Messy Day (That Turned Out OK) and we read it a LOT). In addition to a storyline and writing that kids can really relate to, there is an incredibly helpful Q&A at the end of the book with Gina Moffa, the therapist who co-wrote the book. It was really helpful in going through how to talk to kids about death and support them in their own grief. The storyline also leaves lots of opportunities for kids to ask questions or for the adults reading to open up more conversation. Augie related to how Zara navigated someone close to her dying and the entire book is written in a really kid-friendly way. Which, you might say, “Duh, these are books for kids.” BUT, I have found that sometimes books on more serious topics for kids read more like a textbook than a character book for kids.
The Dead Bird, Margaret Wise Brown
This was a recommendation from my therapist and, to be totally honest, the title made me really uncomfortable. But, true to my awesome grief therapist, this book is incredible. Augie requested it over and over again. Basically, a group of kids playing in a park find a dead bird and the book is about what they do after that. Because they wind up burying it, having a ceremony, and grieving all their own ways, the book really has so much space for conversations about so many of the pieces around death. But, because it’s kids in a park, the book seemed really relatable to Augie. It really does seem like how a group of kids might navigate the process and it breaks the steps that may be going on around a kid (grieving, burial, ceremony, etc.) into kid-friendly steps. I think many books talk about what adults around a child are doing in terms of planning, making decisions, grieving, but this book illustrates what a group of kids do.
The Rabbit Listened, Cori Doerrfeld
Augie got this book as a gift from one of my best friends before my dad died and it was so comforting when we were all grieving. My mom has also gotten herself a copy and has given copies to several friends who have lost loved ones recently. I appreciated that this book normalizes many different feelings that come up during grief and also reflects on how helpful it is to have someone who will not judge you while you vacillate between emotions, but simply hold space for you and listen. We also read this book regularly now, since the overarching theme of “being there for someone without *fixing* things for them” applies to so many different situations.
The Invisible String, Patrice Karst
I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that grief is so ubiquitous that books that focus on, or incorporate, grief would be helpful in many, many (many!!!) situations. This book focuses on what to do when you miss someone or need someone who isn’t there. It is a really sweet concept— a string that runs from your heart to the hearts of people you love and never goes away. While there is one mention of someone being in heaven, the book book doesn’t make any more religious references. It mostly focuses on a tool that kids can use when they are apart from someone they love. It also mentions pets, so I think it could be a great book option for a child who has lost a pet. Additionally, I also used the reference when Augie was feeling unsure about being at school all day without me. This is also another rec from my grief therapist.
Ida, Always, Caron Levis
Another grief therapist rec (she really is awesome). The first time I read this book, I sat on my couch and sobbed—like, full on heaving sobs— for 10 minutes. That also happened every time I read the book after. Even typing this, my eyes are welling up a bit. So, if you’re having one of those days where you just need a good cry-release, this is your book. On the kid-front, this book tells the story of a pair of polar bears who is bonded and living at the zoo in Central Park. One of the bears gets sick and dies and the other lives on without her. It’s actually based on a true story and the note in the book about the true story is what really threw me into the pit of heaving sobs. Augie had lots of questions while we read this book. It opened up space for conversation around someone getting sick, and how hard that is. It also opened up space for talking about how life changes when someone important to you dies, which isn’t always something I thought to ask Augie about after my dad died.
But I don’t want to say GOODBYE, Ta’shay Mason
We discovered this book months after my dad had died, but it would have been really helpful for preparing Augie for the process of things that may happen after someone dies. I appreciate how clearly and simply this book covers concepts like burial and cremation. I also really like that, while the characters choose cremation and to have a celebration of life, the book includes what other people might do. For a younger child, this book is helpful for presenting death— and the complexities that come with someone you love dying— in a really clear, kid-friendly way. For slightly older kids, I can see this book being comforting because it talks about how to incorporate someone who died into your life moving forward. It also normalizes leaning on professional help, as the little girl in the book decides to join a support group for kids who have lost parents.
